Taking Stock

Whenever I meet a drunk lass who is prepared to let me sniff her down below, I always try to make sure we end up at her place. When she is using the toilet, I check her kitchen cupboards, and if she has stock cubes I know that the best I'm going to get is dirty sex. Then, the next morning, I empty her purse and leave without saying goodbye. 

Now, many people think that buying posh stock cubes is acceptable, but all stock cubes are the Devil's clinkers. Making stock might take a little time, but it is one thing that will elevate your food. Trust me, you might even get someone pretty to sleep with you.

Firstly, you must decide if you are going to make a dark rich stock or a lighter one. There's only one small difference in preparation, but if you intend to use the stock for delicate sauces, you don't want a heavy one.

Stocks are classed as brown or white; the latter are made with raw bones and vegetables, the latter with roasted bones. Brown stocks also take around 12 hours, while white take about 8 hours.

For a brown stock, roast your bones for around 20 minutes, smear them with tomato puree and roast them for a further 20 minutes. Then place them in a stock pot. Roughly chop two onions, two carrots and a handful of celery and roast them for 20 minutes in the same pan. Set them to one side.

Fill the pot with cold water, to around five inches above the bones, and place on a high heat. Just as it is about to boil, turn the heat low and skim off any scum. Add the roasted vegetables, and deglaze the roasting pan over a high heat with a liberal amount of good red wine. Add the residue to the pot.

Next, add crushed garlic, a couple of bay leaves, a few sprigs of thyme, parsley and season with salt and pepper. Season lightly and adjust as you go, because the flavour will develop over many hours. Let it simmer for around 12 hours, but makes sure it doesn't boil!

For a white stock, follow the above instructions, but add the bones raw (give them a wash), and the vegetables raw too. Also, skip the wine or the flavour might be too heavy.

Just remember; the Devil shits stock cubes.

Properly Posh Pie!

Nothing says "pies" like a fatty, and nothing says "posh pies" like a fatty wearing a tiara! That's where we are kicking off Nosh Job; with a properly posh pie. Now, usually pies contain all the old shit that can't be disguised in some other way, but this pie is different. It's for a special occasion, like when you get to fuck a girl that isn't related to you, or when a family member dies and leaves you something valuable.

WARNING: This pie takes two days to make properly, so don't get stuck in if you're fucking starving!

Now, whilst there are many "cheats" when cooking, they are often hard to recommend. However, Nosh Job would always advise you to NOT fuck about making puff pastry. Just buy the best one you can afford. In this case, don't use one of the butter-rich variants, because the pie is rich enough.

INGREDIENTS

100g chicken liver

100g fatty pork (like shoulder)

1 pheasant

4 slices of foie gras*

2 egg yolks, beaten

Pinch of caster sugar

Puff pastry (plus flour for dusting)

Knob of butter

Thyme leaves (fresh)

Coarse salt

Freshly ground black pepper

*Ingredient note: The Foie Gras can be canned or from a jar; you don't need the best quality.

METHOD

First off, the day before you want to eat the pie, strip the meat from the pheasant. Don't worry about making a fucking dog's dinner of it, because the meat needs to be cut into small pieces anyway. Then mince about 100 grams of the pheasant with the pork and chicken livers. Fry off the remaining pheasant in the butter - don't overcook it, a few minutes is more than enough - and season it with salt and pepper. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.

Mix the friend pheasant with the minced meat, add the thyme (a few good pinches), along with a couple of pinches of coarse salt and freshly ground black pepper. Cover and shove it in the fridge.

The next day, roll out the pastry on a floured surface. You want a long rectangle. Stir the filling. What do you mean, "what filling"? Remember, it's been the fridge all night! Spread it onto the pastry. Make sure it's about a third of the way across the pastry, so you can fold it over to seal the pie (okay, it's more like a fucking pastie, but so what?). Place the slices of foie gras on the top, then brush the edges of the pastry with the egg. Fold the pastry over to completely seal the pie, and use the rest of the egg to glaze the pastry.

Stick the pie in the fridge for half and hour or longer, and then bang it in an oven (220°C) for 20 minutes.

EAT WITH

A knife and fork. Some new potatoes crushed with watercress and a little olive oil will also be nice. Don't have this with anything fried or roasted or rich!