Taking Stock

Whenever I meet a drunk lass who is prepared to let me sniff her down below, I always try to make sure we end up at her place. When she is using the toilet, I check her kitchen cupboards, and if she has stock cubes I know that the best I'm going to get is dirty sex. Then, the next morning, I empty her purse and leave without saying goodbye. 

Now, many people think that buying posh stock cubes is acceptable, but all stock cubes are the Devil's clinkers. Making stock might take a little time, but it is one thing that will elevate your food. Trust me, you might even get someone pretty to sleep with you.

Firstly, you must decide if you are going to make a dark rich stock or a lighter one. There's only one small difference in preparation, but if you intend to use the stock for delicate sauces, you don't want a heavy one.

Stocks are classed as brown or white; the latter are made with raw bones and vegetables, the latter with roasted bones. Brown stocks also take around 12 hours, while white take about 8 hours.

For a brown stock, roast your bones for around 20 minutes, smear them with tomato puree and roast them for a further 20 minutes. Then place them in a stock pot. Roughly chop two onions, two carrots and a handful of celery and roast them for 20 minutes in the same pan. Set them to one side.

Fill the pot with cold water, to around five inches above the bones, and place on a high heat. Just as it is about to boil, turn the heat low and skim off any scum. Add the roasted vegetables, and deglaze the roasting pan over a high heat with a liberal amount of good red wine. Add the residue to the pot.

Next, add crushed garlic, a couple of bay leaves, a few sprigs of thyme, parsley and season with salt and pepper. Season lightly and adjust as you go, because the flavour will develop over many hours. Let it simmer for around 12 hours, but makes sure it doesn't boil!

For a white stock, follow the above instructions, but add the bones raw (give them a wash), and the vegetables raw too. Also, skip the wine or the flavour might be too heavy.

Just remember; the Devil shits stock cubes.